896 words · 5 min read
A personal essay on holding space in leadership, and what it really means to protect your boundaries while showing up for others.
A quiet empath — that’s how I’ve always seen myself. Unfortunately, the tough exterior I wear sometimes wins. Internally, there is a soft and emotional side that makes the best attempt to escape. That internal side is where we get to hold space for others while protecting our own self-worth. It’s necessary to do a temperature check on how we’re protecting our boundaries as leaders.
“You can be intimidating at times,” I’ve been told — which came as a surprise. How we see ourselves doesn’t always match how others see us. When I asked what made them feel that way, they said it was my demeanor of being very business-like. Or that they saw me for the first time standing in a row of women executives, and I was the only woman of color.
The hard shell I was wearing was intimidating to others. That was eye-opening. It’s one thing to notice it in the moment — it’s another to go looking for it on purpose. Asking for feedback and actually getting it without sugarcoating is painful, and yet necessary for growth.
Was that my intent? Absolutely not. And yet, do women in leadership feel the same way I do? Is this hard shell something we put up to project confidence and protect ourselves? Or maybe it’s the insecurities we’re carrying about how we show up?
Empathy and Boundaries
It’s a work in progress tapping into more empathy. I wouldn’t say I’ve mastered it — it’s a muscle I have to keep exercising, some days more successfully than others.
Leaders who can balance the tough side with the side that holds space for others know it takes work. It takes being able to accept feedback and truly hear it. It takes holding space in your heart and your mind, trusting that it may be coming from a good place — certainly when it’s from people we consider trusted colleagues, friends, and even bosses. People who have a vested interest in our professional and personal well-being.
The right mindset is what allows us to make these necessary adjustments and commitments to growth. It isn’t about choosing between the tough exterior and the soft interior — it’s learning when each one is actually serving you, and when it’s just a habit you’ve stopped questioning.
What Holding Space Actually Looks Like
Some days, the most useful thing I can offer a client I’m coaching is tough feedback — and the hard part isn’t saying it. It’s the timing. My job is to hold that space until they’re actually ready to receive it, whether that’s right away or not.
In practice, that boundary can look like simply asking, “Are you open to some feedback right now?” before diving in — checking that the space is actually open before I fill it.
That same boundary works in the other direction for me, too. There are days I have to be honest and tell someone I’m not ready to receive their feedback yet. That’s not shutting the door. It’s protecting the conversation enough that it can actually land when it happens. It’s the balance Kim Scott calls Radical Candor — caring personally while still being willing to challenge directly.
3 Ways to Hold Space Without Losing Your Boundaries
- Ask before you offer feedback. A simple “Are you open to some feedback right now?” turns a critique into an invitation — and gives the other person the dignity of choosing when they’re ready to hear it.
- Say when you’re not ready to receive it. Holding space for someone else doesn’t mean you owe them access to yourself in that exact moment. Naming “I’m not ready for this yet” protects the conversation enough that it can actually land later
- Let the hard-shell moments be data, not shame. Being told you’re intimidating, too direct, or too business-like isn’t proof you’re doing leadership wrong. It’s information — a chance to ask what’s protecting you, and whether it’s still serving you.
Reflections
A few questions worth sitting with, whether you lead a team of two or two hundred:
Do you know which parts of your leadership style are intentional, and which are armor you put on so long ago you stopped noticing it?
When was the last time you asked someone, directly, what about you reads as intimidating — and were you ready for the answer?
Where do your boundaries and your empathy compete with each other, and where do they actually work together?
Holding the Space, Keeping the Boundary
Holding space for others doesn’t mean we forget about our boundaries. It should be a safe space with mutual understanding and trust. This isn’t only a challenge for women in leadership, or for women of color navigating rooms where we’re often the only one — but it’s where I’ve felt it most, and it’s worth naming.
If this is a pattern you recognize in your own leadership, I’d love to talk it through — or if you want a hand reading the room before your next hard conversation, the free Reading the Room guide is a practical place to start.
Until next time, — Michele Delgado, Founder, Hartmetrics
Keep Exploring: When Loud Isn’t Angry — But It Lands That Way for what this looks like when a conversation runs hot.